genesis - the beginning

so how did i get here?

well, when i came out (makes me sound like a debutante don't it?) internet dating was something you rarely heard about on american tv shows. in sunny s.a. we could hardly even get enough bandwidth to send email, let alone create fanciful profiles complete with pics of various bodyparts and video, webcam, instant messaging... ndibala ntoni na?

when i came out, being me was still very taboo and you were either closeted behind 3-inch reinforced steel or you wore your pride colours on a sequined dress and 10" heels. the only way you could meet someone was if you were the blatantly OTT one attracting the DL brother, who would follow you out of the shebeen you were drinking at with your friends to the dark corner you went to pee in. he would then say something like "do you know " to indicate that he knew what you're about and is therefore interested. you would then have to ply him with alcohol until he was near-paralytic, but not quite comatose as he still had to drag his own damn self to your friend's house, where you would proceed to have your way with him. or rather, he would have what he wanted from you and promptly pass out, snoring, next to you, facing the other direction and smelling of yesterday's brew, feet, armpits, balls and ass.

when i came out, being with another gay man was considered a rare form of lesbianism which would result in endless taunts from bitchy bosom buddies, and in some rare cases ostracism from the gay community to which you belonged. and so it became that we took on the heterosexual model and applied it to ourselves. we became bottoms and tops. we assumed the requisite roles, and played "poppiehuis" with a never-ending revolving rollerdex of new (and sometimes recycled) boys every weekend. we wore mascara and women's pants and tops. we spoke at the highest octaves we could muster. we carried ourselves with a regal demeanour befitting of a wife of the house of windsor. we were antagonistic. we were well-liked and loved by everyone because we were entertainment.

and then one day i woke up (literaly and metaphorically) and realised i'd had enough of entertaining the masses. i'd had enough of playing someone else's caricature of what they think i should be. and so i did so intense soul-searching yada yada yada yada... and i arrived somewhere... not where i am now, but somewhere...

it wasn't until i had a full-on back and forth with one of my oldest and dearest friends did the lightbulb finally go off... he said: be the man you want to attract. simple nhe? not so simple in application though...

it demanded that i do a complete overhaul of me. well, ok maybe i'm just being a little melo there, but it did require a shift in perspective. i became less of a character, and i became... me.

but what to do about attracting a mate? it's all good and well to be me and feel comfortable in my own skin and not have to endure the unbearably judgmental stares of complete strangers, but it won't get me the cute boy in the till in the next aisle at the suparmarket's phone number now will it? i mean i have no way of telling if he bats for my team, and now, with my newly made-over self, he wouldn't be able to tell that i'm a wide receiver either. conundrum. catastrophe. loneliness???

in steps the internet...

but that's a story for another day....